How To Be A Bastard: Part 2

Welcome back to our second installment of "How to be a Bastard." The last time I told you to smoke a cigar on the one day that they wanted everyone to quit for the duration of. Today, I'm going to help you be a bastard on the elevator. Now, most of you are probably thinking "How can I be a bastard on the elevator?" It's simple. Be the 'One Floor Rider.' You know that person that is perfectly capable of walking up or down a flight of steps, but chooses instead to wait longer for an elevator and then only go up or down one floor.

Being this type of bastard is particularly annoying/effective during rush periods of the day: when everyone is getting to work, at lunch time, when everyone is leaving work. You just wait for a big group of people to get on the elevator and press the button for the bottom floor, and then you press the button for the next floor down.

To be even more effective, you can do one of several things. Call out the floor number to the designated button pusher. Make them go through the ignominy of pushing the button that will stop the elevator for you and delay them. Also, make sure to carry as little as possible with you whenever you are doing this. You don't want people to think that you have to use the elevator because you are moving something heavy.

Some of the more juvenile people out there might want to try to flatulate quietly before getting off on their floor as some sort of coupe degrace. Don't do that. You want to be a bastard here, not an asshole. Nobody likes assholes.

So, there you have it. Use this handy little technique and you will be a budding little bastard in no time. The glory of it is that you can use it at work, on vacation, anywhere that has three or more floors.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 11:49 AM  


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