Bastardisms

Recommended Reading:
Friday, November 26, 2004

Ender's Game Series


This is a book about a child genius who is sent to Battle School when he is 6 years old. He is sent because it is believed that he may be humanity's hope for survival against the buggers, an alien race that has tried to wipe out the human race twice. The book chronicles Ender's life as he is rapidly promoted through Battle School and the on to command School. Card does a great job of describing the battles that these armies of children go through. This series is truly one of the staples of any sci-fi reading experience. Although unconfirmed, I have heard that this is now required reading for some high school students.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 8:45 PM 0 comments    

Happy National Civilization Steamroller Day!!
Thursday, November 25, 2004

Just think, if the Native Americans (or at least more native than we are) had realized how much they were gonna get screwed by us being here, things might be very different. I'm thankful that the Natives didn't look at the beads in their hands as they were paddling away from Manhattan Island and decide to scalp everyone that didn't have a tan. Oh well, progress is progress.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:00 AM 0 comments    

Advice needed.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance guys.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a garage or should I buy some stuff from the local AutoZone and try to repair it myself?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:15 PM 0 comments    

New Pilgrims?

As we all know, the first settlers of America were rejects from England. To paraphrase Robin Williams: The puritans were too uptight, even for the British. So what did the Brits do? They kicked 'em out.

Flash forward to the present day. We have a bunch of people, mostly über-Christians, who are trying to censor everything. The whole Janet-Jackson boob incident? Need I say more? Now, I'm not trying to bash on all Christians, just the ones who can't live without inflicting themselves and their way of life on other people.

I guess the question that I'm getting at here is: Do you think that we will have another puritanical-type deportation? Will enough people get fed-up with having to deal with this stuff that we round them all up and send them packing? Maybe.

P.S. - The best way to evangelize? Just be as good a Christian as you can be. Don't go shoving it in other people's faces. Trust me, they'll see what you are doing.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:00 PM 0 comments    

Machinima
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I recently came across something called "Machinima." Apparently, this is the using of video game engines to create short movies. The word Machinima is a combination of the word "Machine" and either "cinema" or "animation." According to the entry on Wikipedia.org, Machinima may have gotten started in the "late 1970s and early 1980s."

I encourage everyone to go to Rooster Teeth Productions and check out Red vs. Blue and The Strangerhood. Red Vs. Blue is made using the Microsoft videogame Halo and now also Halo 2. It's a very funny series that is well done. (Actually something more along the lines of medium rare.) The only problem is that the series is on a rolling archive. This means that not all of the videos are available at the same time. However, there are several sites, such as RedVsBlue.net that host all of the episodes at once. Incidentally, RedVsBlue.net also is the home of a homage to the Red Vs. Blue series called: Sponsors Vs. Freeloaders. The Strangerhood is a machinima made using the Sims 2 videogame.

Go check out the great work that these people are doing.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 5:00 PM 0 comments    

I saw this and thought that it looked amazing.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:53 PM 0 comments    

Santa Clause and Buddha

This is an idea that came from my friend Daisy. Yes, the same guy who came up with the Personal Reality Deceleration Device. We were sitting around the other day talking about the holidays and he told me his thoughts on Santa Clause. I have basically gotten the gist of them here:

Santa Clause is Buddha for Christians. He's a big, fat guy who we welcome into our houses and present with food. Also, Santa Clause, like Buddha, tells us to just be good to one another. We're rewarded when we're good and punished when we are bad.

Yes, I know that this is not an exhaustive proof. Yes, I know that there are several "holes" in this theory. Guess what? It's a joke. Take it as such.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:03 PM 0 comments    

Funny stuff that you can find on the Internet
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

This was originally posted on The Chaser News. The emphasis on the title and the last line are mine. Enjoy:

Teen's dying wish for Cameron Diaz blow job not granted
PHILADELPHIA, Monday: The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.

The courageous teenager told his family two months ago that the one thing he'd really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model.

"Josh never asked for much," his father confided. "He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands. So when he requested fellatio from the star of Charlie's Angels and There’s Something About Mary we thought, sure, that’s the least we can do for him."

But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially thought. Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined.
"We wrote, we rang, we faxed," Mr Morten explained. "And every time it was the same answer: 'Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request.' I mean, how unsympathetic can you get? We're talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?"

Mr Morten even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York. "The crowds were ten deep," he said, "and I'm there yelling out to her from the back: 'Will you go down on my son please!', but she didn’t want to know."

With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents representing Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refused to co-operate.

"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten. "They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?"

Indeed, what kind of world do we live in?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:20 PM 0 comments    

Going to Australia

I think that if I had the money I would buy myself a 20ft. schooner and sail to Australia. Perhaps this is all because I've been listening to the song Southern Cross by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young. I've even thought of getting a job on a boat to Australia after I graduate. Work on the boat for passage. I think that would be great. ROugh winds, storms, blistered hands, and all of the other things. I think that is one of the experiences that can really turn a guy into a man. Well, We'll see what happens.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:45 PM 0 comments    

How to be a Bastard

I've decided to start a new feature entitled How To Be A Bastard. These are just things that I've thought of. I don't recommend that you do any of them and I don't take any responsibility for any repercussions of your actions.

The Great American Smokeout
This Thursday, Nov. 18th, is the 28th annual Smokeout. You can check out the website here. This is when the American Cancer Society encourages people to quit smoking for one day.

On Thursday, I'm going to smoke a cigar in celebration of the Great American Smokeout. Just to be a bastard. I even made a sign for you to use:


Inspired by a sign at my local cigar shop.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 12:30 PM 4 comments    

Why the rest of the world hates the U.S.

Goldschläger



Goldschläger is defined by DrinksMixer.com as "A clear swiss cinnamon schnapps, containing 24 carrot gold leaf flakes." This is why the rest of the world hates the united states. We are so filthy rich that we have drinks with gold in them. People starve in other countries and we find new ways to consume more. Yes, I know that Goldschläger is a swiss made drink, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of it is consumed here in the U.S.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 12:30 AM 1 comments    

Police and the Use of Deadly Force
Monday, November 15, 2004

We have been discussing the use of force by police officers, deadly and non-deadly, in several of my classes. Then this morning I heard Mike Gallagher talking about a 6 year old boy in Florida who had been tasered. Here is an exceprt of the article from the Miami Herald:

Posted on Thu, Nov. 11, 2004
Police used Taser gun to subdue 6-year-old student wielding piece of glass

BY SUSANNAH A. NESMITH

snesmith@herald.com

Miami-Dade police tasered a 6-year-old boy who was wielding a piece of glass in a school office and threatening to hurt himself, officials confirmed Thursday.

Police say they followed their own guidelines and only tasered the child because they were afraid he would hurt himself. But the incident has raised calls for the department tighten its policies regarding the use of the stun guns, which shoot 50,000 volts of electric current through a subject.

The incident happened on Oct. 20 at Kelsey Pharr Elementary School. The principal, Maria Mason, called 911 after the child, who has not been identified, broke a picture frame in the assistant principal's office. Then the boy began waving the piece of glass around, holding a security guard at bay.

Two Miami-Dade police officers responded, followed by a school police officer. When they got there, the boy already had a cut under his right eye and another on his hand from the glass. The three officers talked to the boy, trying to get him to put down the glass, according to a police report.

One of the officers slid a trash can to him, hoping he would throw the glass away if he didn't want to give it to any of the five adults there.

Then the officer contacted a supervisor to see if there was a policy specifically prohibiting the use of a stun gun on a child. There isn't, and the officer was told to do what she felt was necessary.

The two officers continued to try to talk to the child, who didn't respond.

Then he cut his own leg and the officers acted. One officer shocked him with the Taser while the other grabbed him, preventing him from falling on the ground.

It's stuff like this that makes me want to make changes to the way that policing is handled here in the U.S. I know that right now some of you are saying "Yeah, our officers shouldn't do stiff like that!"

There used to be what was called the "Fleeing Felon Rule." Basically, under this doctrine, a police officer could shoot a felon who was running away in order to stop them. As you can imagine this angered some people. Namely the people who were getting shot and their families. In the case of Tennessee vs Garner, that rule was changed. Now, the police officer has to have a reasonable belief that the felon will harm either themselves of someone else before the police officer can shoot at them. Yeah, I see the irony in hurting someone to stop them from hurting themselves.

You may be wondering how these two cases are related. Well, in my opinion, we should repeal the Tennessee vs Garner requirements, but we should give police rubber bullets instead of real ones. We should also expand the circumstances when police can fire their weapons. This way the police officers can just shoot someone in the ass with a rubber bullet. It would be cathartic to the officer. It would also reduce caseloads. More than likely after popping someone in the ass with a rubber bullet, the officer(s) would more than likely be lenient.

We could also have similar things for traffic violations. Say that you get pulled over for speeding. The officer gives you the option of taking the ticket or getting shot in the ass with a paintball gun from 15 feet away. I don't know about you, but I would take the paintball gun. We could even have the officers give you a towel to clean off with. Also, if the officer misses, then you get off without any warnings or anything. I think that it's a great plan.

If we had the "Shoot 'em in the Ass" plan that I just described, then the police could have just shot that uppity little 6 year old with a rubber bullet and it would have been over with. Teach that little punk about screwing with the police.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:23 PM 0 comments    

Changes to the site

As you may have noticed, the GeorgeWBush.com news feed is no longer up. This is because it was no longer being updated. It's kind of pointless to try to bring you news from a source that doesn't update. But now we have something better. The News4sites.com people have come to my rescue. We now have a new section on the sidebar entitled "World at a Glance." This news feed brings up info from around the world. There are many options for what types of news feeds that I can put up. Let me know if you want me to change what type of news you get here.

Update: I forgot that I had requested another news feed. This one is at the top of the page, just underneath the title box. Enjoy.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:30 AM 0 comments    

Random Thought

I'm not bitter because I'm single, quite the opposite.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:15 AM 0 comments    

I still don't like Freud.
Sunday, November 14, 2004

I went to SimilarMinds.com and took this Freudian Inventory Test. I found out about it from this blog and decided to take it myself. Here are the results:

You make what you want out of this.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:57 AM 0 comments    

New Site Feature
Thursday, November 11, 2004

As you can see I have now decided to add a links section to the sidebar. This is so that you can see all of the people that I have met through Blogshares.com. If you want to be linked on my site, then let me know by emailing me or by messaging me at Blogshares.com.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:31 PM 0 comments    

Random Thought

Nostalgia is a thing of the past.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:20 PM 0 comments    

Warning: Adult Situations!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The other night I was watching T.V. and I saw a warning come up on the screen for a movie. It was rated "R" and one of the reasons was that it included "Adult Situations." And I sat there and thought "Adult Situations? What's that, paying the bills? Going to work?" Those are the kinds of things that I think of when I see "Adult Situations." Especially because people in almost every age group have sex. These kinds of thoughts force me to keep only a select group of a few friends.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:30 PM 0 comments    

Thoughts on Suicide.

Let me preface this post by saying that I feel sorry for the suffering that anyone feels when they lose someone close to them. I am not a heartless bastard, just a bastard. With that being said, I have some comments on suicide.

To let you know what the impetus for this post was, you can see the articles here and here. Basically what happened is that a kid on the Texas State University campus committed suicide by shooting himself in the head with a pistol. The campus "newspaper" (and I use that term loosely), published an article in the following edition that included stuff that his friends said about him.

First of all, the guy threw away his life. He decided that his life was no longer worth living and so he voluntarily ended his life. Now, if he had been killed by a drunk driver, a serial killer, or even possibly by a natural disaster then I would be supporting the vigil that these people held for this guy. Hell, I would even support a scholarship in his name. But not because he decided to wuss-out on life.

The second point that I have is about all the things that the campus "newspaper" wrote that his "friends" said about him. You may have noticed the quotes that I used around the word friends. This is because if all of the things that these people said about him were true, then you would think that one of them might have noticed that he was feeling suicidal.

When I die, I don't want people to say nice things about me. I want them to say truthful(mostly) things like "He was an incorrigible bastard who only did anything nice if it would get him laid." Let's be honest people.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:45 PM 1 comments    

Random Thought

PETA hates Schrödinger.™

My stats/research professor brought up the thought experiment designed by Schrödinger that is commonly called Schrödinger's Cat. The basics of the experiment are that a cat is placed in a box with a 50/50 chance of a poison gas being released into the box. The problem is that we won't know whether or not the cat is dead or alive until we open the box and observe the cat. Now, apparenty, this has somethign to do with Quantum Mechanics but I think that the Wikipedia people do a better job of explaining it than I could.

Anyways, I was thinking about the experiment and then I thought "That would really piss off the people at PETA." Thus is the tale of the birth of my new slogan.
Also, my friend Aubrey had a great away message up the other day. It said: "Support the Search & Rescue Team: GET LOST!"

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:30 PM 0 comments    

Self-Serving Tripe

As you may have noticed, my sidebar is growing. I have now added a link that looks like this: . This is because I recently Googled my website's name and found it listed on the BlogShares.com website. So, being the rampant competitor that I am, I have decided to try and increase the value of my little blog on their site. Should you have a desire to help me in this endeavour, then please include the following HTML code at the bottom of all of your webpages:

<a href="http://bastardisms.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Bastardisms."></a>

Also, if you would like to help out, you can click on the link on the sidebar, which will say that I refered you to their website. Thanks for putting up with this tripe.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:00 PM 0 comments    

Recommended Reading:
Monday, November 08, 2004

George Carlin's "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops".

George Carlin brings us his unique brand of witicisms and sharp observations on our society. Carlin is extremely critical of the usage of the English language as practiced by most of us. He spends a significant part of the book solely on euphemisms or "soft language" as he calls it.

As you read the book, you can almost imagine George standing there next to you saying all of the words on the page. Although, for me personally, the book takes a while to get up to speed, by the end of it George is in full swing.

This book has only been out since October 12th, but it is already controversial. The funny part is that the controversy isn't from anything inside the book, but what is on the dust cover.

From George Carlin's website: www.GeorgeCarlin.com.

As you can see, the dust cover depicts Leonardo DaVinci's "Last Supper" with George right next to where Jesus should be. Mega-retailer Wal-Mart has refused to carry the book. You can read more about it here.

I whole heartedly recommend this book to everyone. Just remember that you need to take it with a grain or two of salt. And, preferably, a shot of tequila and some lime.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 11:00 AM 0 comments    

New feature for the site.

As you can see, on the right hand side of the site, just under the link to Help me buy an island is a news bar with updates from the www.GeorgeWBush.com website. I know that the news is only from Nov. 3rd. I don't update the script, their website does. However, if the news script is not updated by the end of the week, then I will try to find a new news script to place there. I hope that you enjoy the little news blurbs that you see, or at least enjoy the effort that I went through to cut and paste someone else's code to keep you up-to-date.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:30 AM 0 comments    

Hail to the Chief!
Thursday, November 04, 2004

_____________

Well, the elections results are in. President Bush has been reelected. That means that once again he will have to preside over a country that is deeply divided. I hope that everyone will try to work together for the next 4 years so that we can accomplish the things that we need to. That being said, I have one thing to say to all of those people who voted for Gore in 2000: This time he IS your President.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:54 PM 0 comments    

This is my kind of game!

Occasionally I get stuff in my email that makes me laugh out loud and then go "That's a good idea." This happens to be one of those things. I got this picture as part of an email from the www.joke-of-the-day.com people. I'm thinking about gathering together all the required pieces to play this and then trying to get a game going with some of my friends.

I've noticed that there seems to be the inkling of a beginning of a theme going on here. Please note that I encourage only people who are of legal age in the place where they reside to drink and when they do so, to drink responsibly. And under no circumstances should they risk their or anyone else's life by drinking and driving. That being said, have fun.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:02 PM 0 comments    

Arbitrary Requirements.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The day after my birthday, my mom took me to go see the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar". It was my first time seeing the musical. We lucked out because it was a Broadway cast. It was a really great experience. During the show I absolutely loved the song "Everything's Alright". It was Natalie Toro who sung as Mary Magdalene in the performance that I saw.

Now I bet you are wondering what does this have to do with arbitrary requirements. During that show I decided that I would have an arbitrary requirement in the selection of my next girlfriend. She would have to be able to sing "Everything's Alright." But then I reflected that all our requirements for who we date are arbitrary. If you say to yourself: "I'm only going to date a 6' tall man who can sing bass lines and is 90 lbs.", then you'll end up liking someone who is 4'7" tall, sing alto, and weighs 300 lbs. It just works out that way. And even if you did find your dream person, you probably would find out that you didn't really want what you thought that you wanted. All of these artificial requirements go right out the window when life plops somebody in front of you.

So, keeping all of that in mind, I have now decided that the ability to sing "Everything's Alright" is no longer a requirement, it's just a really good bonus!

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 5:00 PM 0 comments    

Election Night Drinking Game

Hello everyone. Today we drag our tired asses off of our couches and participate in the democratic process. We get to choose who it is that represents us for the next 4 years. And you know what? Whoever wins this year is going to have the same problems that they had in 2000. They are going to have to try to unite, or at least work with a country that will still be sharply divided on Wednesday. So, to have a little fun with the election night, I came up with this drinking game. The rules are as follows:

Take 1 drink when:

-A talking head or some other news reporting agency mentions that this will be a close race.

-Someone on TV mentions the 2000 election.

-Anyone mentions Terrorism, Osama bin Laden, Iraq, or Saddam Hussein

Give 2 Drinks when:

-The candidate of your choice wins a state.

Chug a beer(or other drink) if:

-Your candidate loses the election overall (you may have to wait a month or so to do this one)

Special Category:

-Every time Michael Moore is on screen, everyone must drink until he is no longer on screen

-Also, everyone must take a drink if someone mentions Michael Moore or Farenheit 9/11

Well, I think that these rules will suffice for now. If you have any suggestions, please email them to me or post your comments here. Enjoy and remember my motto: "Four more beers, Four more beers!!"

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:40 PM 0 comments