How To Be A Bastard: Part 2
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Welcome back to our second installment of "How to be a Bastard." The last time I told you to smoke a cigar on the one day that they wanted everyone to quit for the duration of. Today, I'm going to help you be a bastard on the elevator. Now, most of you are probably thinking "How can I be a bastard on the elevator?" It's simple. Be the 'One Floor Rider.' You know that person that is perfectly capable of walking up or down a flight of steps, but chooses instead to wait longer for an elevator and then only go up or down one floor.
Being this type of bastard is particularly annoying/effective during rush periods of the day: when everyone is getting to work, at lunch time, when everyone is leaving work. You just wait for a big group of people to get on the elevator and press the button for the bottom floor, and then you press the button for the next floor down.
To be even more effective, you can do one of several things. Call out the floor number to the designated button pusher. Make them go through the ignominy of pushing the button that will stop the elevator for you and delay them. Also, make sure to carry as little as possible with you whenever you are doing this. You don't want people to think that you have to use the elevator because you are moving something heavy.
Some of the more juvenile people out there might want to try to flatulate quietly before getting off on their floor as some sort of coupe degrace. Don't do that. You want to be a bastard here, not an asshole. Nobody likes assholes.
So, there you have it. Use this handy little technique and you will be a budding little bastard in no time. The glory of it is that you can use it at work, on vacation, anywhere that has three or more floors.
Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 11:49 AM 0 comments
Labels: asshole, elevator, how to be a bastard
Handicapped People Are Assholes!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Okay, so obviously, not all handicapped people are assholes. However, it seems that most of them are. I have a story to illustrate my point. I work at a state building. We have a parking garage. In said parking garage we have about 10 more handicapped spots than we are federally required to have. There are also about another 10 or so in the parking lot for our building. Even with all of these spots, we usually don't have enough handicapped parking to accommodate all of our handicapped employees (including 5 of whom are wheelchair bound) and any handicapped visitors.
This has created a problem for us. Specifically that any of the wheelchair bound employees who need to have a van accessible parking spot, can't get one. So, someone came up with the idea to reserve five of the van accessible spots on the bottom floor of the parking garage for those people who were in wheelchairs. Great idea, huh? Especially seeing as how we had more than we were required to have, right? So, the powers that be changed 5 of the parking spots to reserved and handed out those to the people in wheelchairs. They also had security monitor the spots in the morning and notify people of the change in status of the parking spots. People were livid. From day one there were people bitching about the change. One person even filed filed a civil rights claim against the people in charge of this. (Apparently their civil rights had been violated because they had to use one of the other handicapped parking spots.)
After a couple of weeks, the signs were changed back and the reserved spots went back to being handicapped spots and anybody in a wheelchair got a collective middle finger from anybody else with a blue hanging tag.
I have given this incident some considerable thought and have come to the following conclusion: Political Correctness is to blame for this incident. Hear me out. It used to be that we had gimps, cripples, and lames. But then, somebody got their feelings hurt, and now they are all categorized as handicapped. Even this term has fallen into disfavor with some who prefer the term handi-capable. Take that into account with the belief that everyone should be treated equally and you have people who barely need to use a cane thinking that they are just as needy of a parking space out front as the people who can't use their legs. There are varying degrees of any segment of society, no matter who they are. With that comes the need to treat different people in different manners. As a result of all of this the people who need those spots the most, are the ones getting screwed out of them.
As a side note, I wish to address all of those people who have the disabled parking tags, but aren't in wheelchairs. I, along with many other people, understand that you may have back problems or an ingrown toenial or whatever it is that qualifies you for your special place, but as outside observers, we don't know what you are feeling. Therefore, we can only make judgements based upon what we observe. That being said, if you park in a disabled parking space (even rightfully so) and are fortunate enough not to use a wheelchair, at least limp. That way anyone that sees you will know that there is a reason for you parking there. Otherwise we all just think you're some asshole who is playing the system or has borrowed someone elses tag so that you can park closer. That's all. Just limp.
Oh, and by the way, obesity is not a disability. Fat people shouldn't get handicapped spots. They should have to park at the far end of the lot and actually walk.
Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 7:07 AM 4 comments
Labels: asshole, handicapped, jrguinness, soapbox
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