Bastardisms

Do you know where your towel is?
Monday, May 02, 2005

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie definitely follows the spirit of the book, even if it doesn't follow the letter of the book. The scenes depicting entries from the Guide, were particularly hilarious. They were animated and had this 50's feel to them. The only part of the movie that truly left something to be desired was the opening. There was a big musical number entitled "So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish" that, while it did reference the 4th book in the series, left something to be desired.

If you have not read the book first, then don't go see this movie. That is probably said about every book-to-movie production, but this one actually requires the viewer to have some knowledge of the subject. Otherwise, they are completely lost.

To read more of my thoughts on the subject, check out this earlier post.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:30 AM 0 comments

More interesting internet stuff.
Sunday, April 10, 2005

I figure that sufficient time has passed that I can share this with you readers. Also, since I still haven't been zapped by a bolt of lightning from God, I think that it's a good sign. On September 14th of 2004, I became an ordained minister. Yep, weird ol' me is a minister with the Universal Life Church out of Modesto, California. I did this through their website: www.ulc.net. Why did I do it? Who knows. It's one of those intersting things that you find on the internet. I even recieved a confirmation email. I could have had them send me a certificate, but that would have actually cost money. What am I going to do with this? I don't know, but as my friend says, I can now "marry 'em and bury 'em."

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:33 AM 0 comments

Red ink isn't making the grade anymore.
Friday, April 08, 2005

According to an article at CNN.com, parents at several schools are upset that teachers are grading student papers in red ink. One of these "feeling police" parents said that the red ink was "stressful." Let me advise the reader here that we aren't talking about high school or college students here. We're talking about elementary school kids. What kind of person thinks that their 7 year old kid has anything to be stressed about. Stress, I'll remind you is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary defines stress as:

A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression.

Traffic jams cause stress. Your significant other causes stress. Your job causes stress. Red marks on a paper in an elementary school do not cause stress.

I have a question for all of these "touchy-feely, crusading" parents. How do you expect for your child to learn from their mistakes if they are not pointed out to them? What is the easiest way for anyone to exchange false ideas for the truth? To have those false ideas expressed and then confronted by the truth. John Stuart Mill said this years ago in his essay "On Liberty."

But the peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error.

We are not helping these kids by sheilding them from their mistakes, we are only hurting them. The only reason that I was able to turn in any type of paper worth reading throughout my school career is because my mother would edit my papers for me. Those things came back with so much red ink on them that I thought some one had cut themselves and then used my paper for target
practice with the arterial spray. The parents of these kids should take less interest in what color is being used to edit and grade these papers and more interest in actually helping their kids to develop their writing skills. My question is what is going to happen to these kids 20 years down the line when they are expected to produce results and they have a manager who doesn't care how they feel as long as they are profitable to the company?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:00 AM 0 comments

Sabrage
Monday, April 04, 2005

Anyone who has read Maxim magazine is aware of the section called "How to do anything." This section of the magazine contains usually step by step advice on how to do anything from build a pole for girls to dance on in your living room to how to break up a fight. They are accompanied by either humorous photographs or drawings to help visualize what you are doing. While not exhaustive or detailed by any means, they do give the reader enough of an idea of how something is done to let them decide whether or not they would like to get more infomation to pursue such a goal.

In one of the recent issues, they had an article on a technique called "Sabrage." Apparently, this is a technique that Napoleon's soliders used to open bottles of chapagne while on horseback. It involves using a sabre to knock off the glass ring, or "annulus," at the top of the bottle where the cork is located. I was so intrigued by this, that I wanted to learn more about it. That's when I found this website. Apparently, there are entire clubs devoted to this. Luckily, they also include a tutorial on how to do this.

So, I went to the store and bought a bottle of cheap champagne to try this out. And, much to my surprise, it was successful. I'll inlcude a picture of the annulus that I knocked off of the bottle. I used a U.S. Marine Corps NCO saber when I tried it.

I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to impress people at a party.

This post was originally concieved of on Dec. 15th, 2004.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:50 AM 1 comments

Euphemisms

At the risk of sounding like comedian George Carlin, I'm going to go off today on one particular euphemism that I think isn't really doing anybody any good.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines Euphemism as:

The act or an example of substituting a mild, indirect, or vague term for one considered harsh, blunt, or offensive: “Euphemisms such as ‘slumber room’... abound in the funeral business” (Jessica Mitford).

Harsh, blunt, or offensive. In otherwords, we have to play nicely and not tell people what they need to know, the truth. To some people, euphmisms are a way of "softening the blow" that the truth brings. To me, it's a way of hiding behing vague and distorting language.

The particular euphemism that I have a problem with is one that you see on personal ads all of the time. Full-Figured. What the hell is going on here? There used to be a time where people were "fat." Then they went to being "plus sizes." Now they are "full-figured." When did this start? Unless you are missing a part of your body that you were born with, such as an arm or leg or eye, then you are full figured. You have all of your parts. You're not missing anything. Your figure isn't half or three-quarters, it's full. However, if when you stand in the shower, your body reaches from the shower curtain to the wall, you are fat. Get over it. Go out and run. Put the twinky down. And for sake of preserving what little strength the English language has, stop weakening it with these euphemisms just to guard your ego.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:20 AM 0 comments

Colorado professor should keep comments to himself.
Sunday, March 27, 2005

I know it's been a while, but I was reading about this and I couldn't refrain from commenting on this. As I'm sure that most of you are already aware, there is a professor from Colorado University that is in hot water right now for some comments that he made about the World Trade Center attacks. To be more specific he referred to the people inside thos ebuildings as "Little Eichmanns" and that the punishment was "befitting their participation" in "braying, incessantly and self-importantly, into their cell phones, arranging power lunches and stock transactions, each of which translated, conveniently out of sight, mind and smelling distance, into the starved and rotting flesh of infants."

I didn't make this up. If you want to read the entire text of the article it can be found at DarkNightPress.com.

The article, which first appeared in Pockets of Resistance #11, Sept. 2001, seems to focus around the WTC attacks as being the results of U.S. actions in Iraq. He says that these are all the results of various "surgical bombings" and other U.S. military actions that led to the sufferings and deaths of "500,000 kids."

What's more is that he blames the U.S. public for this saying that we did nothing to stop this because:

"There were, after all, far more pressing things than the unrelenting misery/death of a few hundred thousand Iraqi tikes to be concerned with. Getting "Jeremy" and "Ellington" to their weekly soccer game, for instance, or seeing to it that little "Tiffany" an[sic] "Ashley" had just the right roll-neck sweaters to go with their new cords. And, to be sure, there was the yuppie holy war against ashtrays – for "our kids," no less – as an all-absorbing point of political focus."

Well, sorry Mr. Churchill. In 1993, it just so happens that I wasn't old enough to vote. And you know what else? I'm sure that some of the people inside those towers also weren't old enough to vote at that time. In fact, there were day cares in the towers for the parents who were working there. If it hadn't been for the effort of several innocent and truly courageous people, then at least 28 children, probably more would have been killed in those attacks. And isn't this what your article is all about? The children?

And as to your allegations, Mr. Churchill, that the American public is too caught up in itself to worry about what happens in the rest of the world, I would like to ask youwhat you are doing to make the world a better place? You're a professor at a college in the midwest. I'd like to see how many of those ½ million children that you did anything to help. Or is the indignance that you feel, the result of your guilt over having done nothing for your life to help anyone but yourself out? I'd like to remind the reader that Mr. Churchill is a tenured professor at a major college and therefore likely has his Ph.D. Therefore, it can be inferred that while he may not be rich, he isn't living ina carboard box on the street either.

I have to apologize. This shouldn't degrade into attacks against Mr. Churchill. I just don't see the same connections that you do. Even Mr. Churchill himself said that his work that was published wasn't exactly thought out.

"The preceding was a "first take" reading, more a stream-of-consciousness interpretive reaction to the September 11 counterattack than a finished piece on the topic. Hence, I'll readily admit that I've been far less than thorough, and quite likely wrong about a number of things."

He then goes on to criticize the U.S. for almost every war that it has been in.

I know that this is heard very often in this country from polemics on either side but I think that this is a case where it truely fits. Mr. Churchill, if you don't like the United States that much, then why don't you just leave?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:00 PM 0 comments

Interesting Things Over at Drudge.com

I was reading an article over at Drudge.com. The article by Thom Hartmann is entitled: Young People: The Key To Republican Single-Party Rule. It was about younger people and how the Republicans are trying to get them to vote for Republican candidates. Or, at least, that's what I thought it was about. It's actually a piece of rhetoric about the Social Security issue and how "big, bad Republicans" are trying to spin things so that they benefit them and so that the younger crowd of voters will vote Republican because they are being fooled.

Wake up! Spin works both ways. I seem to remember that during the months leading up to the 2004 election, there was a lot of advertising on MTV and other youth oriented programs by Rock the Vote. An almost blatantly partisan group to urge younger people to vote. All that you had to do was look at their website to know who they were rooting for. Besides, which party do younger voters typically vote for? Democrats.

So why are people in a huff that the Republican party is trying to rally more younger voters to their cause? Your guess is as good as mine. I, for one, think that it's great that the Republican party is showing younger people that politics does affect them. We need to be more aware of what is going on around us. As for spin, that's for everyone to sift through for themselves. If you need a big, loud yelling radio host or a big, loud movie editor to give you your views, then it's your own fault.

Just remember what Aristotle said:

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:30 PM 0 comments

Romeo And Juliet - with commentary
Thursday, February 24, 2005

Simply because, as my friend Kailash says, I'm "weird," have I decided to share this joke with you. I came up with this during whichever English class in high school I had to read Romeo and Juliet in. I know that this is not an exact replication of what was said in the "window" scene, but it's close enough and damnit it's funny! This is what Romeo thinks in response to Juliet's famous monologue.

[Juliet] O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

[Romeo] Down here in the bushes.

[Juliet] Deny thy father and refuse thy name...

[Romeo] I can't. He'd cut off my allowance.

[Juliet] 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy...What's in a name?

[Romeo] Uhh... letters?

[Juliet] that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet;

[Romeo] Probably, but it wouldn't sell as well at Valentines Day.

[Juliet] Romeo would, by any other name, still not be Romeo.

[Romeo] No. He'd be Bill or Bob or Jack.

Well, that's enough silliness for now. Shakespeare is probably rolling over in his grave right now because of what I've done to his work.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:19 PM 0 comments

Non-Risk Aversive Personality
Friday, February 18, 2005

The title of this post has been used to describe me more than once. I can see why. On Thursday I piloted an aircraft for the first time. It was one of these:

Cessna 152. Picture courtesy of AeroTraderOnline.Com.

This is a Cessna 152 single propeller airplane. The cockpit on it is smaller than the front seat of a Honda. I was able to taxi the airplane, take off, and do several turns, climbs, and dives. I have to say that it was ana amazing experience for me. I think that I'm hooked. If I could, I would fly every day.

That's only part of something larger. I love doing things if there is a certain amount of risk involved. And every time that I do, I am reminded, by my mother, of the time when she caught me walking out into the back yard with a sheet in my hands because I was going to parachute off of the roof. There is a saying that I try to live my life by:

"The goal of life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...holy shit...what a ride!"

This is my motto and I try to live up to it as well as I can. Don't be afraid of what life has to offer. Take it and run. Try new things, expand your horizons, but most importantly live life. Don't just coast along, get in the driver's seat and head somewhere that you have never been.

And so, with that being said, I would like to leave you with the words of a famous poem:

High Flight

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

Pilot Officer Gillespie Magee
No 412 squadron, RCAF
Killed 11 December 1941

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:54 AM 0 comments

B.C. & A.D. vs. B.C.E. & C.E.
Monday, February 14, 2005

Today, I'm going to take some time to rip into the academes of the world. Specifically, the ones that thought that it was a great idea to shift from using the initials B.C. & A.D. to using the perfunctory B.C.E. & C.E. For those of you who do not know, B.C. stands for Before Christ and A.D. is Anno Domini, which means "Year of our Lord." Whoever these liberal softies are that didn't want anyone offended by that, chose to change it to Before the Common Era (B.C.E.) and subsequently Common Era (C.E.).

A little background on the whole BC/AD numbering system. According to Wikipedia.org.

"in 525, the Anno Domini system was invented, which counted the years of the Julian calendar from the year of Jesus' birth. The transition by the Western Christian church to the Gregorian calendar, which was promulgated in 1582, corrected seasonal errors due to an incorrect leap year system, though this correction left the numbering of the years intact."

So, we see that Christianity has had a major part in affecting how we keep our records. But I have a question to put to all of those academics and non-Christians who want to change how things have been done for nearly 1500 years. "What secular event happened and was so important 2,005 years ago that it should mark the beginning of the Common Era?" Jesus' birth was estimated to be between 7 and 4 years BC. IF you ask me, then I think that we should mark the beginning of the Common Era as when the Dark Ages ended sometime in the 14th century. Or we could possibly use the period of The Enlightenment in the 18th century. That would be a more common era than starting out the C.E. at year 1.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:28 AM 0 comments

San Francisco messes up again. (Potentially)
Friday, February 11, 2005

If you haven't heard about this, then you should. Some influential political people in San Francisco want to ban the ownership of a handgun within the city limits of the city on the bay. The proposed legislation would require handgun owners to turn over their weapons within 90 days or face penalties.

Am I hearing this correctly? San Francisco, the city that illegally issued marriage licenses to gay couples last year because they tthought that their Constitutional rights were being violated, now wants to delete the second ammendment from their city? Talk about a double standard. Let's take a quick look at that hallowed document:

Article [II.]
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Link to ammendments.

I don't know about you but I think that the ammendment clearly states that the government shall not mess with the right of the people to have guns. And since the first section of the 14th ammendment also clearly states:

Article [XIV.]
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

That means that the city of San Francisco, in the state of California cannot take away the people's right to have guns.

Now, I know that a lot of you think that the 2nd ammendment should only apply to rifles and shotguns. Hell, even Bill Barnes of the Committee to Ban Handgun Violence has been quoted as saying "We're not saying you shouldn't have a rifle or a shotgun if you want to go hunting." However I would like to remind all of you that when the Constitution and it's ammendments were ratified, the ownership of a handgun was a very common practice. I don't see anywhere in the 2nd ammendment that says "except for handguns." What I do see is "the right to keep and bear arms." That includes sidearms as well as firearms.

Any attempt to curtail this baic freedom is an attempt to curtail all freedoms and should be met with disdain and contempt.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:59 AM 0 comments

Death of a Playwright.

At the age of 89 years, playwright Arthur Miller died today. As you well know, Miller brought the world such works as "Death of A Salesman" and "The Crucible." Both of these works have been influential on American theatre and life. Besides the two major works mentioned before, Miller wrote many plays and even some fiction and non-fiction work.

Miller was also married to actress Norma Jean Mortensen, commonly known as Marilyn Monroe.

All of us have been touched by Mr. Miller's work. Maybe you had to read it for a high school or college class. Maybe, like me, you performed in a production of one of his plays. But all of us are familiar with this man and his work and we are all poorer for having lost him. God be with you Mr. Miller.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:20 AM 0 comments

Kryptonians Rethought.
Friday, February 04, 2005

As many of you who know me are aware, I am a huge fan of Superman and all that makes up this legend/mythos/whatever. That's not to say that I myself am huge, but that my enthusiasm for almost all things Superman is great. But I digress. So, when I read this I was amazed:

In most of the presentations and re-imaginations of Superman's origin, it is made clear that the Kryptonians are well aware of what effects Earth's yellow sun will have on baby Kal-El. Indeed, that's usually the excuse for why he goes there. They know he'll be "safe" because nothing can hurt him there.

And that's all well and good, but there's a problem. Kryptonians are the assholes of space. Here's some proof...

A list of Kryptonians who are assholes:

Brainiacs 1 - 13, Doomsday, Cyborg, The Eradicator, General Zod, Quex-ul, Zaora, and Preus.

A list of Kryptonians who are nice:

Sometimes Jor-El, Superman.

And Superman's only a decent guy 'cause he was raised on Earth and knew nothing of Krypton or its people for almost half his life. When Jor-El's shown to be a nice guy, then he's acting as the exception that proves the rule.

Knowing, as we do, that Kryptonians are assholes, and highly advanced in the technologies of science, and capable of making FTL spacecraft, and live in a universe with varied and diverse intelligent life in the cosmos, we have to assume they ran into other space faring beings. Doomsday's origin tends to back this up.

If anyone on Krypton had the slightest idea that the electromagnetic radiation from an G-class star would react with their physiologies to make them effectively immortal and god-like, there wouldn't be a non-yellow star in the sky. They'd have obliterated all life from the cosmos and in the process of altering every star to fuel their unholy powers, they'd probably bring about the premature heat-death of the universe.

Seems awfully convienent that one of their scientists just happened to have an interstellar craft at the ready.

A prototype for intergalactic seeding, perhaps?

If Kryptonians were smart enough to figure out this yellow sun business, then it's safe to assume their neighbors were too. And I wonder what they'd have done with this information.

Seems awfully convienent that the symptoms of Krypton's destruction came about so suddenly. Almost like it'd been triggered artificially by outside agents?

Think about it. You're an advanced civilization. You meet these xenophobic guys in goofy robes who treat you like dirt because their stardrive goes 1% faster than light than your best stuff. During some research or information exchange, you come across an odd anomaly in their DNA that has the potential to turn each of them into incarnate gods under certain, fairly common, conditions. You know that yellow stars aren't that far from their world and it's only a matter of time before they figure this out assuming they haven't already.

The sabotage of one planet for the sake of the whole universe ain't a tough decision to make.

This was written by Brian Clevinger, the man who brings us the webcomic: Nuklear Power. I think that this is a very astute observation from a very original thinker. Either that or it's a guy who has too much free time on his hands. One way or another, he has touched upon something very interesting. I don't know why, but I find something intriguing about the possibility that the Kryptonians may be the biggest bunch of bastards in the universe. Then again, maybe I have too much free time on my hands.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 11:17 PM 2 comments

Tank tops?
Friday, January 21, 2005

I've been thinking about this for a while. Why are they called "Tank Tops"? As you can see here...

a tank has one big turret coming out of it's top, while most women wearing a tank top, as modeled by Ms. Danielle Cagle have two things protruding from their top...

Therefore, I think that we should rename the tank top to the "Anti-Aircraft Top"...

Doesn't it have that ring to it?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:48 AM 0 comments

U.S. Generosity
Friday, December 31, 2004

As we all know, the death toll from the Tsunami is now well over 100,000 people. This event is terrible and extremely unfortunate. However, some people, (namely Jan Egeland the U.N. Under-Secretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs), have tried to paint the United States and other nations as being "stingy" in their giving for relief. Initially, the U.S. gave $35 million to help victims of the tsunami (Australia gave $27 million and Great Britain gave $62.5 million). But apparently the U.S. contribution wasn't enough for some people. *cough* *Jan Egeland* *cough* So what do we have to do now? We've pledged an additional $350 million. That brings our total up to $385 million. Great. We've pledged over 1/3rd of a billion dollars to help these people out.

However, I still have a couple of questions. Namely, how much of that "relief money" will be used to line the pockets of "officials" in the countries where aid is needed? But more importantly I ask Jan Egeland and the rest of the world where they were when Florida was hit by 3 hurricanes earlier this year? Where was the worldwide contributions to help the victims of that natural disaster? Or is there a double standard? Do American disaster victims not rank as high as other victims around the world? Where are we supposed to get this money from? Does it grow on trees?

The rest of the world expects the United States to bleed money. They expect for us to open up our national checkbook every time something shitty happens somewhere. Well guess what? Israel alone receives $662 million dollars in Economic Aid from the U.S.! That also doesn't account for all of the military supplies and other things that we send to them. In the year 2003 alone, we gave $2.7395 billion dollars in aid to the rest of the God-damned world! How can you people even begin to call us stingy? It makes me want to puke.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:37 PM 1 comments

Random Survey
Friday, December 17, 2004

You know I'm hot, just tell me already!

I saw this on one of my friend's IM away messages. So I answered her version of the survey. now, she's apparently pissed off at me. Go figure. I mean, it's called BLUNT TRUTH. What did you expect? A spin-off of High Times?

Don't ask the questions if you don't want to know the answers.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:46 AM 0 comments

Enzyte
Friday, December 10, 2004

Ever notice how some companies will take oldies songs and use portions of them to promote their products? Well, I was thinking the other day and I came up with the perfect oldies song for Enzyte. (You know, the penis pills.)

The song would be the Four Seasons' "Stay".
You could have the music play and then have the vocals come in on the line "Just a little bit longer." Then, fade out the vocals and have the announcer talk some more. Then you bring up the vocals on the lines "Now, your Daddy don't mind; and your Momma don't mind." Fade out vocals. After the announcer promotes the product and dances all around the issue of what it actually does, you could bring up vocals on the line "Won't you say you love me all of the tii-i-i-i-i-i-ime." Then just repeat "Just a little bit longer" as needed.

I have too much free time on my hands.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:17 PM 0 comments

Parenting
Monday, December 06, 2004

I don't have kids. The problem that I find is that anyone can have a kid. There are no rules or guidelines about parenting. Oh sure, you have some laws that say that you can't abuse or neglect your kid. But it still amazes me to no end that people are required to take a competency test to operate a motor vehicle, but are allowed to raise children with no education, experience, or guidelines. And we all know that raising a child is infinitely harder than driving a car. (You can't put parenting on cruise control.)

Therefore, I would like to propose that there be either state or nationally mandated educational classes for all parents who are pregnant or have had a child within the past year. The classes would incorporate basic home economics, including but not limited to: Balancing a checkbook and the effective use of funds, basic culinary skills, basic nutrition, child psychology, basic child-rearing techniques (survey course of different methods), and effective communication techniques (both with your child and with other family members).

Balancing a Checkbook/Effective use of Funds
This course would guide parents and parents-to-be in basic economics. This is not talking about the Gross Domestic Product. This is guiding people in how to effectively manage their paycheck so that they do not accumulate more debt than they can handle. It would advise people of the pitfalls of credit cards and how easy it is to get in debt with them.

Basic Culinary Skills
This course would teach people how to cook basic meals for a family. It would include all the necessary skills to be able to cook simple, low cost food for your family. Some of the parts of the course would include portion management (how to cook just the right amount), stove-top skills, using a microwave for more than just T.V. dinners, etc.

Basic Nutrition
This course would go hand in hand with the cooking course. It would be a guide for choosing foods that meet your families nutritional requirements.

Child Psychology
This would be a very basic course in how children think and act. The goal would be to give parents and potential parents an idea of why their child acts they way that they do.

Basic Child-Rearing Techniques (Survey Course)
This would range from changing diapers to helping with homework. This course would give people practice in the necessary skills required for raising a child. Also covered in this course would be different methods of raising a child. (Spanking vs. Timeout, etc.)

Effective Communication Techniques
This course outlines how to be able to better communicate with your child and family without resorting to yelling and screaming. Also included would be effective tips for disarming hostile situations that could lead to yelling. This course would probably be helpful in reducing the number of divorces every year.

One problem that I can foresee is scheduling. How do you fit all of these classes in with a job? That will be a difficulty in the early years of the licensing process. The solution is to incorporate the classes into the required courses for high school students. Once the student has completed the courses, then he or she will be given their license and allowed to have children.

Now I know that this will not cure all of the problems that our society has, but it will enable our parents to be more prepared for the arduous task of bringing up a well-rounded, polite child in today's world.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:42 PM 1 comments

I give up.
Friday, December 03, 2004

I give up on women. I'm tired of constantly having my heart stomped on. Hey, I've been living a celibate life (not by choice) for some time now, why not make it my decision? I'm thoroughly burned out on the whole process. I'm not just going to stop looking for a relationship, I'm going to start actively avoiding any type of relationship. Maybe I'll go back to being the "Mr. Stoic" that I was in high school. We'll see.

I've been told that it's when you stop looking that you find someone. Yeah, you find them, become smitten, then they go off with someone else. No thank you. I can do without that.

I'm not bitter because I'm single, quite the opposite.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:11 AM 0 comments

I think that I'm going to get a Vasectomy.
Thursday, December 02, 2004

Last night I saw something so horrible that it made me want to never procreate. If you have never seen Fox's show Nanny 911, then count yourself lucky. This is a show where Nannys are called into homes where the parents have no control over their children. Then, within a week, the Nanny turns the entire family around and they are one big happy entity.

The only problem? I wanted to give those brats an ass-whooping of Biblical proportions only 5 minutes into the program. For Christ's sake, how can you let your kids get this bad? This program is the most effective form of birth control that I have ever come across. watching this show for the limited amount of time that I did only made me want to go get a vasectomy. That way, I won't have to ever deal with that particular form of hell.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:04 PM 0 comments

Happy National Civilization Steamroller Day!!
Thursday, November 25, 2004

Just think, if the Native Americans (or at least more native than we are) had realized how much they were gonna get screwed by us being here, things might be very different. I'm thankful that the Natives didn't look at the beads in their hands as they were paddling away from Manhattan Island and decide to scalp everyone that didn't have a tan. Oh well, progress is progress.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:00 AM 0 comments

Advice needed.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance guys.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a garage or should I buy some stuff from the local AutoZone and try to repair it myself?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:15 PM 0 comments

New Pilgrims?

As we all know, the first settlers of America were rejects from England. To paraphrase Robin Williams: The puritans were too uptight, even for the British. So what did the Brits do? They kicked 'em out.

Flash forward to the present day. We have a bunch of people, mostly über-Christians, who are trying to censor everything. The whole Janet-Jackson boob incident? Need I say more? Now, I'm not trying to bash on all Christians, just the ones who can't live without inflicting themselves and their way of life on other people.

I guess the question that I'm getting at here is: Do you think that we will have another puritanical-type deportation? Will enough people get fed-up with having to deal with this stuff that we round them all up and send them packing? Maybe.

P.S. - The best way to evangelize? Just be as good a Christian as you can be. Don't go shoving it in other people's faces. Trust me, they'll see what you are doing.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:00 PM 0 comments

Machinima
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I recently came across something called "Machinima." Apparently, this is the using of video game engines to create short movies. The word Machinima is a combination of the word "Machine" and either "cinema" or "animation." According to the entry on Wikipedia.org, Machinima may have gotten started in the "late 1970s and early 1980s."

I encourage everyone to go to Rooster Teeth Productions and check out Red vs. Blue and The Strangerhood. Red Vs. Blue is made using the Microsoft videogame Halo and now also Halo 2. It's a very funny series that is well done. (Actually something more along the lines of medium rare.) The only problem is that the series is on a rolling archive. This means that not all of the videos are available at the same time. However, there are several sites, such as RedVsBlue.net that host all of the episodes at once. Incidentally, RedVsBlue.net also is the home of a homage to the Red Vs. Blue series called: Sponsors Vs. Freeloaders. The Strangerhood is a machinima made using the Sims 2 videogame.

Go check out the great work that these people are doing.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 5:00 PM 0 comments

I saw this and thought that it looked amazing.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:53 PM 0 comments

Santa Clause and Buddha

This is an idea that came from my friend Daisy. Yes, the same guy who came up with the Personal Reality Deceleration Device. We were sitting around the other day talking about the holidays and he told me his thoughts on Santa Clause. I have basically gotten the gist of them here:

Santa Clause is Buddha for Christians. He's a big, fat guy who we welcome into our houses and present with food. Also, Santa Clause, like Buddha, tells us to just be good to one another. We're rewarded when we're good and punished when we are bad.

Yes, I know that this is not an exhaustive proof. Yes, I know that there are several "holes" in this theory. Guess what? It's a joke. Take it as such.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:03 PM 0 comments

Funny stuff that you can find on the Internet
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

This was originally posted on The Chaser News. The emphasis on the title and the last line are mine. Enjoy:

Teen's dying wish for Cameron Diaz blow job not granted
PHILADELPHIA, Monday: The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.

The courageous teenager told his family two months ago that the one thing he'd really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model.

"Josh never asked for much," his father confided. "He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands. So when he requested fellatio from the star of Charlie's Angels and There’s Something About Mary we thought, sure, that’s the least we can do for him."

But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially thought. Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined.
"We wrote, we rang, we faxed," Mr Morten explained. "And every time it was the same answer: 'Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request.' I mean, how unsympathetic can you get? We're talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?"

Mr Morten even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York. "The crowds were ten deep," he said, "and I'm there yelling out to her from the back: 'Will you go down on my son please!', but she didn’t want to know."

With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents representing Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refused to co-operate.

"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten. "They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?"

Indeed, what kind of world do we live in?

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:20 PM 0 comments

Going to Australia

I think that if I had the money I would buy myself a 20ft. schooner and sail to Australia. Perhaps this is all because I've been listening to the song Southern Cross by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young. I've even thought of getting a job on a boat to Australia after I graduate. Work on the boat for passage. I think that would be great. ROugh winds, storms, blistered hands, and all of the other things. I think that is one of the experiences that can really turn a guy into a man. Well, We'll see what happens.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:45 PM 0 comments

How to be a Bastard

I've decided to start a new feature entitled How To Be A Bastard. These are just things that I've thought of. I don't recommend that you do any of them and I don't take any responsibility for any repercussions of your actions.

The Great American Smokeout
This Thursday, Nov. 18th, is the 28th annual Smokeout. You can check out the website here. This is when the American Cancer Society encourages people to quit smoking for one day.

On Thursday, I'm going to smoke a cigar in celebration of the Great American Smokeout. Just to be a bastard. I even made a sign for you to use:

Inspired by a sign at my local cigar shop.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 12:30 PM 4 comments

Why the rest of the world hates the U.S.

Goldschläger

Goldschläger is defined by DrinksMixer.com as "A clear swiss cinnamon schnapps, containing 24 carrot gold leaf flakes." This is why the rest of the world hates the united states. We are so filthy rich that we have drinks with gold in them. People starve in other countries and we find new ways to consume more. Yes, I know that Goldschläger is a swiss made drink, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of it is consumed here in the U.S.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 12:30 AM 1 comments

Police and the Use of Deadly Force
Monday, November 15, 2004

We have been discussing the use of force by police officers, deadly and non-deadly, in several of my classes. Then this morning I heard Mike Gallagher talking about a 6 year old boy in Florida who had been tasered. Here is an exceprt of the article from the Miami Herald:

Posted on Thu, Nov. 11, 2004
Police used Taser gun to subdue 6-year-old student wielding piece of glass

BY SUSANNAH A. NESMITH

snesmith@herald.com

Miami-Dade police tasered a 6-year-old boy who was wielding a piece of glass in a school office and threatening to hurt himself, officials confirmed Thursday.

Police say they followed their own guidelines and only tasered the child because they were afraid he would hurt himself. But the incident has raised calls for the department tighten its policies regarding the use of the stun guns, which shoot 50,000 volts of electric current through a subject.

The incident happened on Oct. 20 at Kelsey Pharr Elementary School. The principal, Maria Mason, called 911 after the child, who has not been identified, broke a picture frame in the assistant principal's office. Then the boy began waving the piece of glass around, holding a security guard at bay.

Two Miami-Dade police officers responded, followed by a school police officer. When they got there, the boy already had a cut under his right eye and another on his hand from the glass. The three officers talked to the boy, trying to get him to put down the glass, according to a police report.

One of the officers slid a trash can to him, hoping he would throw the glass away if he didn't want to give it to any of the five adults there.

Then the officer contacted a supervisor to see if there was a policy specifically prohibiting the use of a stun gun on a child. There isn't, and the officer was told to do what she felt was necessary.

The two officers continued to try to talk to the child, who didn't respond.

Then he cut his own leg and the officers acted. One officer shocked him with the Taser while the other grabbed him, preventing him from falling on the ground.

It's stuff like this that makes me want to make changes to the way that policing is handled here in the U.S. I know that right now some of you are saying "Yeah, our officers shouldn't do stiff like that!"

There used to be what was called the "Fleeing Felon Rule." Basically, under this doctrine, a police officer could shoot a felon who was running away in order to stop them. As you can imagine this angered some people. Namely the people who were getting shot and their families. In the case of Tennessee vs Garner, that rule was changed. Now, the police officer has to have a reasonable belief that the felon will harm either themselves of someone else before the police officer can shoot at them. Yeah, I see the irony in hurting someone to stop them from hurting themselves.

You may be wondering how these two cases are related. Well, in my opinion, we should repeal the Tennessee vs Garner requirements, but we should give police rubber bullets instead of real ones. We should also expand the circumstances when police can fire their weapons. This way the police officers can just shoot someone in the ass with a rubber bullet. It would be cathartic to the officer. It would also reduce caseloads. More than likely after popping someone in the ass with a rubber bullet, the officer(s) would more than likely be lenient.

We could also have similar things for traffic violations. Say that you get pulled over for speeding. The officer gives you the option of taking the ticket or getting shot in the ass with a paintball gun from 15 feet away. I don't know about you, but I would take the paintball gun. We could even have the officers give you a towel to clean off with. Also, if the officer misses, then you get off without any warnings or anything. I think that it's a great plan.

If we had the "Shoot 'em in the Ass" plan that I just described, then the police could have just shot that uppity little 6 year old with a rubber bullet and it would have been over with. Teach that little punk about screwing with the police.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:23 PM 0 comments

Changes to the site

As you may have noticed, the GeorgeWBush.com news feed is no longer up. This is because it was no longer being updated. It's kind of pointless to try to bring you news from a source that doesn't update. But now we have something better. The News4sites.com people have come to my rescue. We now have a new section on the sidebar entitled "World at a Glance." This news feed brings up info from around the world. There are many options for what types of news feeds that I can put up. Let me know if you want me to change what type of news you get here.

Update: I forgot that I had requested another news feed. This one is at the top of the page, just underneath the title box. Enjoy.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:30 AM 0 comments

Random Thought

I'm not bitter because I'm single, quite the opposite.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:15 AM 0 comments

I still don't like Freud.
Sunday, November 14, 2004

I went to SimilarMinds.com and took this Freudian Inventory Test. I found out about it from this blog and decided to take it myself. Here are the results:

Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (33%) you appear to be stubbornly and irrationally against receiving help even when it might be the more intelligent option.
Anal (40%) you appear to have a good balance of self control and spontaneity, order and chaos, variety and selectivity.
Phallic (73%) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.
Latency (60%) you appear to have a good balance of abstract knowledge seeking and practicality, dealing with real world responsibilities while still cultivating your abstract and creative faculties and interests.
Genital (36%) you appear to have a conventional, closeminded, and regressive outlook on life. Change is an inevitable and positive part of life, learn to contribute to it, not fear it or oppose it

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

You make what you want out of this.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:57 AM 0 comments

New Site Feature
Thursday, November 11, 2004

As you can see I have now decided to add a links section to the sidebar. This is so that you can see all of the people that I have met through Blogshares.com. If you want to be linked on my site, then let me know by emailing me or by messaging me at Blogshares.com.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:31 PM 0 comments

Random Thought

Nostalgia is a thing of the past.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 4:20 PM 0 comments

Warning: Adult Situations!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The other night I was watching T.V. and I saw a warning come up on the screen for a movie. It was rated "R" and one of the reasons was that it included "Adult Situations." And I sat there and thought "Adult Situations? What's that, paying the bills? Going to work?" Those are the kinds of things that I think of when I see "Adult Situations." Especially because people in almost every age group have sex. These kinds of thoughts force me to keep only a select group of a few friends.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:30 PM 0 comments

Thoughts on Suicide.

Let me preface this post by saying that I feel sorry for the suffering that anyone feels when they lose someone close to them. I am not a heartless bastard, just a bastard. With that being said, I have some comments on suicide.

To let you know what the impetus for this post was, you can see the articles here and here. Basically what happened is that a kid on the Texas State University campus committed suicide by shooting himself in the head with a pistol. The campus "newspaper" (and I use that term loosely), published an article in the following edition that included stuff that his friends said about him.

First of all, the guy threw away his life. He decided that his life was no longer worth living and so he voluntarily ended his life. Now, if he had been killed by a drunk driver, a serial killer, or even possibly by a natural disaster then I would be supporting the vigil that these people held for this guy. Hell, I would even support a scholarship in his name. But not because he decided to wuss-out on life.

The second point that I have is about all the things that the campus "newspaper" wrote that his "friends" said about him. You may have noticed the quotes that I used around the word friends. This is because if all of the things that these people said about him were true, then you would think that one of them might have noticed that he was feeling suicidal.

When I die, I don't want people to say nice things about me. I want them to say truthful(mostly) things like "He was an incorrigible bastard who only did anything nice if it would get him laid." Let's be honest people.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:45 PM 1 comments

Random Thought

PETA hates Schrödinger.™

My stats/research professor brought up the thought experiment designed by Schrödinger that is commonly called Schrödinger's Cat. The basics of the experiment are that a cat is placed in a box with a 50/50 chance of a poison gas being released into the box. The problem is that we won't know whether or not the cat is dead or alive until we open the box and observe the cat. Now, apparenty, this has somethign to do with Quantum Mechanics but I think that the Wikipedia people do a better job of explaining it than I could.

Anyways, I was thinking about the experiment and then I thought "That would really piss off the people at PETA." Thus is the tale of the birth of my new slogan.
Also, my friend Aubrey had a great away message up the other day. It said: "Support the Search & Rescue Team: GET LOST!"

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:30 PM 0 comments

Self-Serving Tripe

As you may have noticed, my sidebar is growing. I have now added a link that looks like this: . This is because I recently Googled my website's name and found it listed on the BlogShares.com website. So, being the rampant competitor that I am, I have decided to try and increase the value of my little blog on their site. Should you have a desire to help me in this endeavour, then please include the following HTML code at the bottom of all of your webpages:

<a href="http://bastardisms.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Bastardisms."></a>

Also, if you would like to help out, you can click on the link on the sidebar, which will say that I refered you to their website. Thanks for putting up with this tripe.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:00 PM 0 comments

New feature for the site.

As you can see, on the right hand side of the site, just under the link to Help me buy an island is a news bar with updates from the www.GeorgeWBush.com website. I know that the news is only from Nov. 3rd. I don't update the script, their website does. However, if the news script is not updated by the end of the week, then I will try to find a new news script to place there. I hope that you enjoy the little news blurbs that you see, or at least enjoy the effort that I went through to cut and paste someone else's code to keep you up-to-date.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:30 AM 0 comments

Hail to the Chief!
Thursday, November 04, 2004

_____________

Well, the elections results are in. President Bush has been reelected. That means that once again he will have to preside over a country that is deeply divided. I hope that everyone will try to work together for the next 4 years so that we can accomplish the things that we need to. That being said, I have one thing to say to all of those people who voted for Gore in 2000: This time he IS your President.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:54 PM 0 comments

This is my kind of game!

Occasionally I get stuff in my email that makes me laugh out loud and then go "That's a good idea." This happens to be one of those things. I got this picture as part of an email from the www.joke-of-the-day.com people. I'm thinking about gathering together all the required pieces to play this and then trying to get a game going with some of my friends.

I've noticed that there seems to be the inkling of a beginning of a theme going on here. Please note that I encourage only people who are of legal age in the place where they reside to drink and when they do so, to drink responsibly. And under no circumstances should they risk their or anyone else's life by drinking and driving. That being said, have fun.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 2:02 PM 0 comments

Arbitrary Requirements.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The day after my birthday, my mom took me to go see the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar". It was my first time seeing the musical. We lucked out because it was a Broadway cast. It was a really great experience. During the show I absolutely loved the song "Everything's Alright". It was Natalie Toro who sung as Mary Magdalene in the performance that I saw.

Now I bet you are wondering what does this have to do with arbitrary requirements. During that show I decided that I would have an arbitrary requirement in the selection of my next girlfriend. She would have to be able to sing "Everything's Alright." But then I reflected that all our requirements for who we date are arbitrary. If you say to yourself: "I'm only going to date a 6' tall man who can sing bass lines and is 90 lbs.", then you'll end up liking someone who is 4'7" tall, sing alto, and weighs 300 lbs. It just works out that way. And even if you did find your dream person, you probably would find out that you didn't really want what you thought that you wanted. All of these artificial requirements go right out the window when life plops somebody in front of you.

So, keeping all of that in mind, I have now decided that the ability to sing "Everything's Alright" is no longer a requirement, it's just a really good bonus!

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 5:00 PM 0 comments

Election Night Drinking Game

Hello everyone. Today we drag our tired asses off of our couches and participate in the democratic process. We get to choose who it is that represents us for the next 4 years. And you know what? Whoever wins this year is going to have the same problems that they had in 2000. They are going to have to try to unite, or at least work with a country that will still be sharply divided on Wednesday. So, to have a little fun with the election night, I came up with this drinking game. The rules are as follows:

Take 1 drink when:

-A talking head or some other news reporting agency mentions that this will be a close race.

-Someone on TV mentions the 2000 election.

-Anyone mentions Terrorism, Osama bin Laden, Iraq, or Saddam Hussein

Give 2 Drinks when:

-The candidate of your choice wins a state.

Chug a beer(or other drink) if:

-Your candidate loses the election overall (you may have to wait a month or so to do this one)

Special Category:

-Every time Michael Moore is on screen, everyone must drink until he is no longer on screen

-Also, everyone must take a drink if someone mentions Michael Moore or Farenheit 9/11

Well, I think that these rules will suffice for now. If you have any suggestions, please email them to me or post your comments here. Enjoy and remember my motto: "Four more beers, Four more beers!!"

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 1:40 PM 0 comments

This space to be used soon.
Thursday, October 28, 2004

Just letting you know that I had something that I was going to write here. It wasn't a particularly revolutionary, life-changing, reshape the world kind of thing, but I thought it was interesting. And woudln't you know, my damn brain won't remember what it was I was going to share with you. So, until then, enjoy this filler.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:00 PM 0 comments

Happy Birthday to me!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Today I turned 22. Yay!! I came to several realizations recently. One is that I appear to be older than I am. I've had several people seem shocked when I told them that I was turning 22. The usual response was "Wow. You look older than that." The second realization that I have come to is that I tend to think in bigger words than the average person that I associate with. For instance, I tell people that "I have reached my second palindromic age." They usually stare at me with a vacant expression and slowly utter "ok."

Anyways, here's to having made another trip around the sun on this wild and crazy ride that we laughingly call life! Cheers!

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:00 AM 0 comments

Taboo Language.
Monday, October 25, 2004

I've been thinking recently about what could be termed "taboo language" in our society. Namely, I've been thinking about ethnophaulisms, or racial slurs. My opinion is that it is only a word. Stick and stones comes to mind. While research has shown that verbal assault can be detrimental, I think that it is because we give words so much power. Yes I understand that some words or slurs have been used historically to denigrate certain populations. In particular, the slur that I am talking about is the word "Nigger". Holy shit, I said it. Look at the picture of me. I'm white and I said nigger. God help us. I must be racist. But I'm not. It's only a freaking word, people.

The problem that I have is that a lot of black people get up in arms when a white person says nigger. They say that it is "a hateful word" and that it "brings down the black community." Really? Then why do I hear it said by black people almost every 5 seconds? If you really believe that a word is doing harm to you, then don't bandy it about like it was nothing! What's more, if you're going to persecute a group of people (white people) for saying something that is a racial slur and jump all over them, calling them racist, then don't turn around and refer to them as "honkies," "whiteys," or "crackers." It kind of hurts your position that you are victims of racism if you engage in the same activity. In fact, I think that there's a word for it. It's called hypocrisy.

Please just think before you open your mouth and claim that someone is racist and is persecuting you. Remember it's not reverse racism, it's just plain racism, no matter who does it.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:10 PM 3 comments

Statistically Speaking...
Thursday, September 30, 2004

I was thinking about statistics that we come across everyday in our lives and this came to mind. Do you ever stop and think about when an advertisement says 9 out of 10 doctors/dentists approves brand X? What about that 10th doctor/dentists? What's up with them?

Jay Leno recently said in his monologue that

"According to the New England Journal of Medicine, 9 out of 10 doctors think that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

This made me stop and think. Do 90% of doctors really like brand X? Or is it just 10 doctors sitting around reviewing products. And why does that 10th doctor not approve of brand X? Is he just being contrary? Is it the same person everytime? Why doesn't doctor number 10 approve of this product? Does he have some sort of hidden agenda against the makers of brand X? Maybe he knows something that the other 9 doctors don't know about brand X.

These are the kinds of questions that kept me out of the really good schools.

By the way, there is a great comic over at JoeCartoon.com that makes fun of the very theme of this post. Enjoy.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:33 AM 0 comments

Goals and Aspirations.
Thursday, September 23, 2004

I was thinking about what I would like to write about today. Several ideas came to mind. There are a couple of books that I am reading that I could talk about and probably will. I could talk about my classes and what they entail. I'm even thinking about starting up a new blog about my experiences as a pledge in the Alpha Epsilon Phi chapter of Lambda Alpha Epsilon. But I decided to tell you why I started this site.

It started with watching my friend and co-worker Jarrat update his blogs, Blinded by Intoxicants and Due Requiem. I read through his posts, laughed my ass off, and realized that you don't actually have to have deep philosophic thoughts to have a website. This last point was driven home when I started randomly reading other people's blogs. I read things that ranged from an online diary to cooking tips. So, I decided that I would pollute the internet with my thoughts. And that was the birth of Bastardisms. I think that my first post showed my nervousness at undertaking this auspicious (or is that audacious) task. Upon re-reading that first post, I realized that I have branched out further than my original plans. This is no longer a strictly political site; this is a melting pot of all the things that I find funny, amusing, irritating, or irksome. I want to show you the world as I see it.

And so I have. I have shown you the webcomics that I read. I have shared with you my favorite poems and even some of my own. I have talked about politics, books, movies, and linked to just about everything that I can think of. I have crackpot schemes here as well as witty (or half-wit, depending on how you look at it) ideas. And all of this has been with a goal in mind.

That goal is to write over 100,000 words. At the time of this posting, I'm about 13% of the way there. Yes, this is prideful and it reeks of hubris, but it is a goal nonetheless. I would ideally hope that they would be words that shaped the world, but alas we all fall short of our dreams. But let us not allow that to deter us from those dreams. There I go, waxing poetic again. Anyways, I am rededicating this site to those of you who read it regularly and even those of you who accidentally stumbled here.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 9:50 AM 0 comments

Jesus, Christianity, and Religion in general.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I usually try to leave religion out of this site, but today I thought I would write some of my feelings on the subject. Please remember that these are merely my opinions and if you don't like them, then that is ok.

Jesus
I like Jesus. Jesus is cool. Jesus liked everybody, no matter who they were. Some of the people around Jesus [Pharisees] didn't like the stuff that he did [eating with sinners, healing on the Sabbath, etc.], but Jesus didn't care. Just about everybody thinks of Jesus in terms of his divinity. Yes, the big J.C. was the son of God, but he was also the Son of Man. He was divine and human at the same time. I like the moments that slip out and show Jesus's human side. It reminds me of the imperfection inherent in all of us. For instance, my favorite passage in the Bible is:

Mark 11:12-14
¹²The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. ¹³Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. ¹⁴Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.

I love this passage because Jesus gets pissed off at a tree. A tree. And He gets pissed off because He is hungry and the tree, which is out of season, has no fruit on it. That's like me getting pissed off at my bank for my not having any money in my bank account. This is one of those passages that shows Jesus's human side. Another passage that I like and that shows Jesus's human side comes right after the fig tree fiasco:

Mark 11:15-19
¹⁵On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, ¹⁶and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. ¹⁷And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written: "'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations?' But you have made it 'a den of robbers.' " " ¹⁸The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching. ¹⁹When evening came, they went out of the city.

This is another passage that really shows Jesus's rough edges. One of the best versions of this scene is in Martin Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ. In this movie, Willem Dafoe plays Jesus Christ. In the scene that is mentioned in the passage, Willem shows us the anger that Jesus had at the moneychangers had. The best description that I have heard is from my friend Daisy, who said "Jesus is having a shit-fit!" The other thing that I like is that right after Jesus throws tables and tells everyone how they're screwing up, he and the disciples high-tail it out of town.

Christianity
There is a book that I just finished reading, called "The Prostitute in the Family Tree" Discovering Humor and Irony in the Bible". The book is written by Douglas Adams. No, not the Douglas Adams of Hitchhiker's Guide fame. This Douglas Adams is the Professor of Christianity and the Arts at the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, California. Adams is a great comedian and wonderful theologian. His book is full of sharp observations and quick wit. One of the basic themes of his book is that it when read in their entirety, many of the passages in the Bible are quite humorous. Also, Adams makes a distinction between what he calls "parent stories" and "grandparent stories." "Parent stories" are the kinds of stories that parents tell their children so that they will behave. "Grandparent stories" are the kinds of stories that grandparents tell their grandchildren about what their parents did when they were the same age as the grandchildren are. The Bible is full of these types of grandparent stories that show us that even the people in the Bible were human and had their failings. However, most people will only take a small portion of the stories and make them "parent stories." I highly encourage everyone, Christian or not, to read this book. Trust me, you'll get a good laugh out of it.

Another good book to read for both men and women is John Eldrege's Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul. This book is about rediscovering your masculinity (and understanding what is happening to your man). This book is really hard to describe, but it has helped me tremendously. I feel like a new man even though I am only halfway through the book. Trust me, read this book.

Unfortunately for a lot of people, Christianity has screwed them over. Too many people in the Church and especially in groups like The Texas Wesley Foundation have too many members who are ultra-conservative in their views. These people are the "uptight" people that you hear so many people referring to when they talk about Christians. These are the people that frown upon swearing, drinking, smoking, sex, and the open discussion of any of the topics that I just mentioned as well as a host of others. Please do not misunderstand me, there are a lot of really good people associated with this organization. I won't name any of them here because I don't want to leave anyone out. But, most of the participants in this group and others like it simply cannot take a joke, they can't make light of themselves, and what's more is that they are very cliquish. Somehow, I don't think that Jesus was very fond of cliques. From my experiences with some of the members I would highly doubt that they have the capacity to forgive someone in their heart.

Speaking of what's in a person's heart...

Religion
Religion has been called "the opiate of the masses." It has also been used to do some pretty shitty things. (Crusades anyone? Indulgences?) One of the things that bothers me the most about modern religion is marriage. I have gone round and around with my pastor on this one and unfortunately, never the twain will meet on this issue. Marriage has been around for a lot longer than Christianity. If you take the evolutionary view point, then the first cave man who went up and smacked a cave woman and dragged her to his cave was the first marriage ceremony. If you take the creationist viewpoint, then Adam and Eve were the first married couple. Either way, Christianity has only been around for a little over 2,000 years. The argument that my pastor makes is that marriage is a lifelong commitment that has to be public before god and the community. I say that marriage is a commitment in your heart to love someone and not to screw around on them. If marriage was only about being a public commitment, then it would be a lot easier wouldn't it? But it has to be about what is in a person's heart. How do we explain the high number of divorces, even within the Church? These people made public, lifelong commitments to each other before the community and before God. Where is that commitment now? It's been flushed down the toilet because the commitment was not in their hearts. I know more people who are not married who are more committed to each other than most couples who have been married for a long time. Also, if marriage is about a lifelong commitment between you and your loved one before God and the community, then what about the people who go to the Justice of the Peace to get married? According to our society's laws, they are married. But did they make that commitment before God? Before the community? According to the Church, are they married? These questions are all related to one big question that a lot of people have and that they have to answer for themselves. Is sex before marriage wrong? I used to think that it was. Then, I redefined my views on marriage. I'm not to keen on having sex with someone that you have no commitment to, but I can't tell you how to live your life. I can only offer suggestions. It was because of the views on sex before marriage, that caused me to deeply hurt the only woman that I have ever loved. I can never take away that pain that I caused her by not being able to express my love for her physically. And to you, A., I am very sorry.

Another thing religion that bothers me is the tactics that some people use to get others to join. I'm talking about the churches that use Scare-Tactics to frighten people into believing. I'm going to just come out and say it. THIS IS WRONG! YOU NEED TO STOP IT! Even Niccolo Machiavelli said that it is better to be loved than feared. If people love you then they will be more apt to see things your way because they want to, not because you want them to. Scare-tactics are the bullies way of keeping people in line. Jesus didn't preach a message of damnation and suffering, he preached a ministry of loving and caring. Take a page from his book.

Evangelism and Praying
I severely dislike evangelists with a passion. Not just the televangelists. All of them. I dislike them, not because of who they are, but what they do. Here is a quote from the Bible that I like:

Matthew 6:5-8
⁵"When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. ⁶ "But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you. ⁷ "And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words. ⁸ "So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

Basically this passage says two things: One, you shouldn't be advertising everywhere that you are Super-Christian, because you're not. Two, that you should keep your prayer short and simple. I have listened to so many Christians drone on and on for five and even ten full minutes about every little thing. Like it says, God knows what you need before you pray for it, so keep it short. There is no need to thank God for every single blade of grass. Thank Him for His creation and move on. Don't "heap up words." I have a simple blessing that I use for meals. I will share it with you here so that you may use it too.

"Dear Lord, thank you for this food. Please use it to nourish my mind, my body, and my spirit so that I may do your will. In your son's precious and holy name. Amen."

Simple, yet effective.

While I know that this passage is not exactly an indictment against evangelists, I think that it comes close. Jesus tells us to go to a private place to pray to God. I think that we should be examples to others by how we live our lives, but I don't think that we should be passing out pamphlets on the street corner.

In the end, only you can decide what you believe and what you think is right. I hope that you will see things the way that I do, but if not, then that is ok. Remember there are many paths to Jesus Christ, but only one path to God, and that is through Jesus.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:22 PM 0 comments

New and improved HTML.
Thursday, September 09, 2004

In my effort to keep this site as reader friendly as I can for you, my loyal readers, I have now switched to using a newer, better, more friendly HTML link for all of my external links.

Previously I was using the HTML code:

<a href="URL">Text to be displayed</a>

This is your basic HTML code that changes the entire page to the url that is being linked to. Simple, great, but I want to keep you on my site for as long as possible. So it's not practical.

Then I was lead to use the HTML popup code:

<a href="URL" onclick="window.open(this.href, 'newWin', 'width=300, height=450'); return false;">Your text goes here</a>

This is a little more advanced HTML code that creates a "pop-up window" that is defined by the parameters 'height' and 'width.' This is also a highly effective HTML tool that, when used appropriately, can be a great resouce. However, the window that this opens up is limited to the size that I set and cannot be changed by you the reader. So, again, this is not practical for my site.

The new and improved code that I am using is:

<a href="URL" target="_blank">Your text here.</a>

Now, this will enable you, the reader, to click on a link on my site and have a new window open. A window that you can resize. A window that will display everything. Huzzah!!

I will try to go back through my posts and change the link codes to fit with whichever code is appropriate for each link. However, I cannot guarantee that this will be done in a timely manner, because I have other stuff to do. I do wish to thank you for sticking with me through this change.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 8:41 AM 0 comments

Thoughts on life.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Life is a wonderful thing. It must be because right now there are 6,391,301,056 people on the planet. So, since so many of us are doing this thing called like, I thought that I would share my thoughts on it.

Yourself.

I recently came across this in my friend Aubrey Sutton's
profile on AOL Instant Messenger. * I am working on getting a picture of only her up, so be patient.

The goal in Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "holy shit...what a ride!"

While some people may have bodies that are more well preserved than others, I think that the meaning behind this passage is to enjoy life to the fullest of your capabilities. Get out there and take a chance. It's the only way you will know what you can do.

Other people.

In this life, it is not the journey from birth to death that is important. What is important is who you share your time with. It is how you affect them and how they affect you and how you reconcile that. Don't ever live life with regrets. Rather, treat everything as something that you can learn from and hope that you do better the next time. Always try to learn something from every experience you have, that way you are better able to adapt to similar situations. LIfe will throw curves at you from every direction. Things that you thought were stable will become shaky, people that you thought were your rock will surprise you when they are not as solid as you had thought that they were. Now, this is not saying anything bad about that person, but they, as well as you, will change as you go through life. You just have to be aware of that.

Marriage/Relationships.

I remember something that my pastor said about marriage, but it also applies to relationships. He tells young couples before they get married that they are like branches on a tree. Unless you spend time together, then eventually you will grow apart. Take time out of your day just to spend talking with the one that you love. It will do wonders for your relationship. Talking enables you to rediscover things about each other that you never knew. Just because you talked a lot at the beginning of the relationship, doesn't mean that you know that person completely. It also doesn't mean that you know who that person is now. They may have changed their mind about something that you took for granted (like whether or not they stiil think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread). The only way that you can know that is to talk with that person regularly.

Please note that this is not a comprehensive analysis of this mixed up, wild ride that we call life. It is just general thoughts about it. I will update this as I go along.

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:01 PM 0 comments

Someone special.

How many times have you been looking at a woman and said to yourself "Wow, she looks easy?" I bet that I could score with her. Unfortunately, this is all too common. Yes, it reveals a certain characteristic of the male mindset, but it is not entirely the guy's fault. Today we are bombarded by millions of signals that say "Sex, Sex, Sex." From shampoo commercials to soft drink ads, sex is everywhere. The rallying cry of advertisers is "Sex sells!" And this is absorbed by all of us.

I said earlier that it is not entirely the guys fault. People portray a certain image to those around us. Often times, it is because of this image that we get stuck in the same cycles of bad relationships. If you dress like a prostitute, then people are going to treat you like you are one. Unfortunately the first perceptions of people around us are formed by external appearances.

A friend of mine told me recently that we attract people who have the same qualities as we do. If you have poor self esteem, then likely you will attract other people who have poor self esteem. We get stuck in those same cycles of relationships because of how we look, dress, and act. If you are in a spot in your life where you are unhappy, take a look around you. Are people treating you like you are "easy" because you dress and/or act like it? Maybe you need to change how you act or how you dress or where you hang out to get the cycle to stop.

I don't think that there is a one-size-fits-all solution to the problem, but I do think that there is something that will help. Instead of going after a person because they look "easy," wait until you find someone who looks "special to you."

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 10:47 AM 0 comments

Help me buy an island.
Thursday, September 02, 2004

I want an island of my own. I think that we all need a place where we can "get away from it all." For some people that may be as close as the bathtub, for others (like me) that place is a villa on Gallinaro Island, just north of Corsica in the Mediterranean Sea. An Italian villa is just what I need. Unfortunately, due to the cost of the island and villa (14,000,000.00 Euros = 17,043,986.45 United States Dollars) I cannot buy this island by myself. That's where you come in. By donating money to me, you will allow me to buy this wonderful piece of real estate. And as a thank you, I will send everyone who donates money towards me buying this island a postcard from the island. Just think about it. Your very own postcard mailed to you from an island off the coast of Italy. We both win. So, please donate today. To help you out I have provided you with a link at the bottom of this post and one on the right column under the archives.

I have included some pictures of the island that I wish to buy. Please note that all pictures are the property of Private Islands Online.

Here is the first picture of Gallinaro Island:

This is a picture of where I would love to be swimming right now:

And in case you were wondering, here is a map of the island:
Island Map

Posted byJ. R. Guinness at 3:46 PM 0 comments

"If all of mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind." -John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1869

Do you know where your towel is? Monday, May 02, 2005

More interesting internet stuff. Sunday, April 10, 2005

Red ink isn't making the grade anymore. Friday, April 08, 2005

Sabrage Monday, April 04, 2005

Colorado professor should keep comments to himself. Sunday, March 27, 2005

Romeo And Juliet - with commentary Thursday, February 24, 2005

Non-Risk Aversive Personality Friday, February 18, 2005

B.C. & A.D. vs. B.C.E. & C.E. Monday, February 14, 2005

San Francisco messes up again. (Potentially) Friday, February 11, 2005

Kryptonians Rethought. Friday, February 04, 2005

Tank tops? Friday, January 21, 2005

U.S. Generosity Friday, December 31, 2004

Random Survey Friday, December 17, 2004

Enzyte Friday, December 10, 2004

Parenting Monday, December 06, 2004

I give up. Friday, December 03, 2004

I think that I'm going to get a Vasectomy. Thursday, December 02, 2004

Recommended Reading: Friday, November 26, 2004

Happy National Civilization Steamroller Day!! Thursday, November 25, 2004

Advice needed. Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Machinima Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Funny stuff that you can find on the Internet Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Police and the Use of Deadly Force Monday, November 15, 2004

I still don't like Freud. Sunday, November 14, 2004

New Site Feature Thursday, November 11, 2004

Warning: Adult Situations! Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Recommended Reading: Monday, November 08, 2004

Hail to the Chief! Thursday, November 04, 2004

Arbitrary Requirements. Tuesday, November 02, 2004

This space to be used soon. Thursday, October 28, 2004

Happy Birthday to me! Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Taboo Language. Monday, October 25, 2004

Statistically Speaking... Thursday, September 30, 2004

Goals and Aspirations. Thursday, September 23, 2004

Jesus, Christianity, and Religion in general. Tuesday, September 21, 2004

New and improved HTML. Thursday, September 09, 2004

Thoughts on life. Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Help me buy an island. Thursday, September 02, 2004

About Me

Links

Subscribe To

Blog Archive

"If all of mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind."
-John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1869

Do you know where your towel is?
Monday, May 02, 2005

More interesting internet stuff.
Sunday, April 10, 2005

Red ink isn't making the grade anymore.
Friday, April 08, 2005

Sabrage
Monday, April 04, 2005

Colorado professor should keep comments to himself.
Sunday, March 27, 2005

Romeo And Juliet - with commentary
Thursday, February 24, 2005

Non-Risk Aversive Personality
Friday, February 18, 2005

B.C. & A.D. vs. B.C.E. & C.E.
Monday, February 14, 2005

San Francisco messes up again. (Potentially)
Friday, February 11, 2005

Kryptonians Rethought.
Friday, February 04, 2005

Tank tops?
Friday, January 21, 2005

U.S. Generosity
Friday, December 31, 2004

Random Survey
Friday, December 17, 2004

Enzyte
Friday, December 10, 2004

Parenting
Monday, December 06, 2004

I give up.
Friday, December 03, 2004

I think that I'm going to get a Vasectomy.
Thursday, December 02, 2004

Recommended Reading:
Friday, November 26, 2004

Happy National Civilization Steamroller Day!!
Thursday, November 25, 2004

Advice needed.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Machinima
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Funny stuff that you can find on the Internet
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Police and the Use of Deadly Force
Monday, November 15, 2004

I still don't like Freud.
Sunday, November 14, 2004

New Site Feature
Thursday, November 11, 2004

Warning: Adult Situations!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Recommended Reading:
Monday, November 08, 2004

Hail to the Chief!
Thursday, November 04, 2004

Arbitrary Requirements.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004

This space to be used soon.
Thursday, October 28, 2004

Happy Birthday to me!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Taboo Language.
Monday, October 25, 2004

Statistically Speaking...
Thursday, September 30, 2004

Goals and Aspirations.
Thursday, September 23, 2004

Jesus, Christianity, and Religion in general.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004

New and improved HTML.
Thursday, September 09, 2004

Thoughts on life.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Help me buy an island.
Thursday, September 02, 2004